*Huge, breathy sigh.*
Coping mechanisms aren't my strongest suit. I describe what I enjoy most (writing, creating) as a pouring of emotions instead of a release. When I write, I'm fixated on and reimagining the issues. I sink into them in order to pull out the goods.
Like any human looking for a new way to release, I figured out another way to solidarity: spending.
I wasn't always like this! Saving used to be automatic! I felt incredible and accomplished (and somewhat not broke) looking at the ratios in my bank account. Nonetheless, this summer started a whirlwind of exterior loss on top of all the stuff I'd mentally packed away, so I began to over-reward myself with pretty things, better dinners, and one mini-vacation.
Positive reinforcement, eh?
With my first interest lying in self-awareness, I break my number one rule most days of the week... There! I said it! I'll observe my anxiety while crossing the street; I'll check in with my internal when I overhear a rape joke or find myself stuck in a downward spirals. But I will not tell myself to stop spending. It's an obvious hole, and I dig a trench every time. Though I usually spend in small doses, sometimes the tags are hefty -- like $70 on a Friday night kind of hefty. Whoops.
Why do i do this?
I love the way it feels. I enjoy feeling certain and decisive and being free to choose, even if it means I'm fitting a ridiculous bill. Who likes feeling powerless? 'Tis not even a question, indeed...
We are creatures of opposition. If we can conjure up some tangible positives to mask the negatives, we'll do that over and over and over again instead of tackling said problem. (🙄 ) I could narrate that issue for days.
For now, I'll say my rule-breaking is coming with a price. I just got a new day job (!!) which has 1) raised my confidence and 2) means I'll be able to get back to my previously habitual saving habits, but I'll be making more than I'm used to, which is crazy to consider. I've made it thus far on minimal coins, so what the heck am I going to do now!? I'm nervous, though I'm expecting old habits will kick back in.
Though my spending has gotten out of hand, the mindfulness is still on point in other ways. I'm letting my life marinate in a bunch of positives (hobbies, volunteering, hamming on about bklynprose!). I've just turned 24 with plenty of lessons and abundantly good things in tow.
Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to feeling truly, completely free.
Thanks for reading! If you dug this post, please let me know in the comments :) Would love to hear from readers! When have you faltered in your mindfulness plan, and how did you/do you plan to pick back up?